All I wanted was for him to love me. That day we stood at the marriage altar and said our vows, he promised to love and protect me until death do us part. The future was so full of hope, and I felt so happy and secure. But then it changed somehow. I don’t really know when, I just know I started sinking, and just kept sinking. Overcome by feelings of anxiety, I found myself in a dark pit of depression. The security, worth and acceptance I had once felt had vanished. What my husband could give me just wasn’t enough, and nothing I did brought any peace. I was drowning in darkness.
I couldn’t go on living like this so I finally reached out for help. Talking to a counselor was encouraging, and praying and journaling helped me to process things internally. I was able to recognize some of the anger and hurt that I was holding on to. These things were good, but it was God who rescued me from the pit.
I realized that I had been afraid to fully depend on God, so I was desperately trying to get my husband to be more. I had been putting my hope in my husband, and there was no rest. God showed me Psalm 62:5 and His words spoke right to my heart.
“Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him.” Psalm 62:5 (NIV)
My anxious, little heart could finally rest because my hope is not in my husband meeting my needs for acceptance, security, love and worth—my hope is in God who has already taken care of all of my needs.
I don’t need to be validated or loved by anyone but Jesus. His love is all I need.
When I realized that God was the source of Life, I was able to let my husband off the hook. I went to him one day, and told him, “You're free. I’m no longer depending on you to meet my needs. God is the One who will meet my needs for love, acceptance, worth, and security. He defines me now as lovable, acceptable, valuable, and secure. So I'm going to set you free and I’m going to trust God to be my Life source.”
Little did I know, my husband had been going through his own struggles, and later I found out that he had been just as miserable as I was. He wanted love and acceptance from me, but I had been too caught up in my own misery to see it. He had begun to distance himself from me and our family, in an attempt to numb all the pain he felt. When I shared my journey with him, we were able to start talking and working together. We began to accept the truth that God’s love is enough to sustain both of us and over time we have seen some wonderful changes in our home. By depending on God as our ultimate source we can freely give love, acceptance, worth and value to each other.