This week, as God has been doing His work and searching my heart, some issues came up. I started experiencing feelings of inadequacy and I noticed that this has been a pattern for me my whole life; I feel inadequate and then I stuff those feelings down. But this time, I knew that I couldn’t run away, I knew it was time to face these issues head on.
These kinds of feelings can be tough for us to walk through, especially when we feel we’ll have to face them alone. For me, having to face my pain of inadequacy made me feel as though I was literally dying, but I knew God was bringing these things to the surface in my life, and I knew I had to face it. I cried out to God and told Him that I felt so afraid and overwhelmed, and in His love and faithfulness He reminded me of the song, “Surrounded” by Michael W. Smith. The words say, “It may look like I'm surrounded, but I'm surrounded by You. This is how I fight my battles.”
I thought, “Lord, I feel like I'm surrounded by death, but I know that I'm surrounded by You, so I'm going to lean into You and see what You have to say and what You want to show me.”
As I was processing these feelings I talked to my husband and was sharing with him how I have always felt like I'm just not capable, like I'm just stuck somewhere. And he asked me, “When you were younger, how often did your parents ever praise you? How often did they say something good or uplifting to you?” This was a hard question for me to be asked, because when I looked back, I knew I had never had life spoken into me. No one ever said to me, “Oh, you're going to do great when you grow up or you’re gifted to do this or that.” I didn't even go to college because I believed I wasn’t smart enough. So I prayed and kept digging into these things, and I realized that my whole life I had desperately longed to hear words of encouragement from my mother. In fact, even as an adult that longing was still there.
Something needed to change because I just couldn’t carry this pain around with me anymore. I then came across Psalm 68, where it reads “To the fatherless he is a father. To the widow he is a champion friend. To the lonely he makes them part of a family.” (Psalm 68:5 TPT)
I began to realize that I could trust God to give me the things that were missing from my life.
As time passed, despite God’s incredible revelation, the darkness of these wounds still tried to flood over me. And I still, at times, look to other people and things to fill the empty places within me. When this happens Father reminds me of His grace, and is teaching me to be gracious with myself, as I continue to resolve these deep rooted issues. I am still learning to turn my eyes upon Jesus, the only one who can pull these weeds out by the roots, but I have this new measure of joy that I can persevere through these difficult times.
The Lord reminded me of the story of the grain of wheat that has to die in the ground.
Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. John 12:24 (NASB)
I don’t know about you, but I have a lot of grains of wheat. In fact, I have a whole bag! Soon after God brought me this verse, I was in a class and my dear friend said something that went straight to my heart. She was talking about that question we all ask, “Who am I?” As I listened to her speak I prayed for God to show me who I am because I never had a sense of identity or anything spoken to me by my parents. My friend read us a children’s book, called When God Made You. As she read, it was like my mother was reading to me, telling me who I am. It was exactly what I needed to hear and I thought, “God, You're so good to me!”
I'm still going through process of forgiving my mom and I still have a lot of grains to go through in my bag of wheat but I’m learning that God is faithful just as He promises us in His word. He will provide what is missing from my life and yours, in the most unique ways, as we trust Him.