I was reflecting a few days ago about marriage. My wife and I have been married for almost 44 years and somewhere around the 5-year mark, we started to experience more conflict. You might think this is silly, but here’s an example of how something small created inner conflict for me and a clash between us. There were little moments, where my wife would send me a signal. We'd be sitting in church for instance, and she'd tug on my shirt. When I asked what she wanted, she’d say, “Put your arm around me.”

Well, as a Brittin, you know, my family never showed emotions. They didn't hug or anything like that. Yet, I would agree to my wife’s request and put my arm around her each Sunday. Over time, though, I began to feel controlled. Though my arm was around, the weight I felt because of this expectation actually created distance between us.

And then one day my wife said to me, “The reason I like you to put your arm around me is because it makes me feel loved and secure and cared for.”

Then she added, “But if you can't do it, it's okay.”

It was then that everything changed for me. What she said freed me from the weight I had felt, and in this sense of being controlled by her “demanding expectation”. I was able to see her heart and that this expectation was actually just a desire. Because she risked being vulnerable with me, she was willing to allow me to see her heart, and it allowed me to become more aware of what her actual need was.

In this, I sensed God challenging me. I felt as if He was asking if I truly loved my wife. “Of course!”. He said to me, “If you do, then why don't you learn what's meaningful to her, rather than simply what's meaningful to you?”

When you are able to release others from your demands, you are free to let go of expectations and simply express desires. This will free you and others to live out the life God designed you for.