Who knew God could, and would, reach into the depths of my despair and bring me to a place of peace? The doctor’s report was not good. I had been experiencing health issues for some time and the latest prognosis left me terrified. I was afraid God was out to get me. I was afraid that I had failed God. I was convinced that, because I had failed Him, He was going to take my life. I tried to find answers by going to counseling and I worked through some very hard things. But finding life again really came down to making a choice: 

Would I trust God, and trust my fear and my life to Him, or would I keep running and hiding? 

I felt like my physical life and my emotional life were at stake and I was running from the very One who could help me and give me peace. But I was afraid of how He would handle it.

One night I just couldn’t stand it anymore and I said, “Okay, God, let’s get this settled. I am so afraid that if I surrender that You will take my life – literally, or at the very least I am afraid You’ll take everything from me: my health, my money, my friends or my family.  I am afraid of what You will do in my life if I actually give You permission to have Your way. I am afraid to trust You.” In His faithfulness, God led me to these words found in Matthew:

“Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil (non-believer), know how to give good gifts to your children (child of God), how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:9-11 (NASB)

What a promise! God wants good for me! He is for me. He doesn’t want me to be afraid. He wants me to live – really live! He came to give Life and He wants me to die to what I think is best and live to His Word! 

I decided to give up trying – and trust.

I'm going to simply trust Him to be the God that He really is and not the God I had made up. I told God, “I give my life to You to love, to care for, and to guide me in a way that brings Life to me and glory to You.” 

God showed me that He is for me and that His perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). I can’t control what might happen. I can’t control what is actually happening, but I can control if I trust God or not. Things in life still scare me: my health, my finances, my relationships, or if I am going to measure up, but now I leave these things in His hands and trust my Father to watch over me.